Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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