I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
