My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
