i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
