This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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