JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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