It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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