what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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