i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
