My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
