My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
