Plan B is the new Plan A
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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