He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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