you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
