this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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