I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Dick very happy bro
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