Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
