She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
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I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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