this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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