they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
