i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
