Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize