I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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