and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
