Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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