Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
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How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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