Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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