im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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