I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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