I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
