After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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