I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
