Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
