Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
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Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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