and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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