dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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