Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
