I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
