i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
