Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
