you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
