u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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