just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
