Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
