i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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