i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
