Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
