i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
