Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
