Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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