I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
