You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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