It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Someone came in the potted fern
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
