mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
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As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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